Oh dear, if only I knew how difficult this path will be! I still remember that moment in our little Krakow apartment when Clau, all of a sudden, got fed up into encouraging me to stay in my sweet comfort zone of ignorance and started shaking the hell out of me. She made me fall from the safe cocoon I have been building for years in an unconscious attempt to avoid getting hurt over and over again. It was cozy in that place of ignorance, but I did not know at the time how I can get out of it and find myself. I also didn’t know the path to wisdom is filled with numerous obstacles and I will have to be strong and rise above them.
She looked me deep into the eyes in that sincere, honest, raw approach that only she can have. I got so scared and did not know what to say, how to react. I did what I knew how to do best – I started crying… I remember saying “it’s not true what you are saying. It is not! That’s not who I am…”.
Time has passed. Our one year together has been one of the most meaningful years of my entire life. She recognized the internal struggle I had in mine. She saw that I do not wish to live a life of lying to myself and pleasing those around me just because they feel more safe when their ego is cuddled. She taught me how to protect myself, do not be afraid to be myself, to say “No” when needed. She gave me the keys to that little door that opened a whole different world, a world where I started to be kinder to myself, to stay true to my beliefs and never ever choose comfort over meaningful. She saw that I was in a search of myself, but I just didn’t know from where to start. However I knew it has always been inside me. I like to think of myself as a late flower, a flower that blooms late. But it blooms and it’s not afraid to assume it and stand up straight.
Years have passed and now I find myself deeper than I’ve ever been on this path of self-discovery. So deep that I feel few people that I used to know truly understand me anymore. It has been a struggle. But slowly I find peace that not everyone has to understand and indeed your vibe will attract your tribe. Sooner or later…
The one who says it’s not difficult to know who you are, it’s either being complete unaware or is lying. It is so f*ing hard to know who you are!
The moment you think you know, things are already changing again. Something new shows up. Something completely different. Unexpected. Then you are left confused. More confused than you have ever been. But don’t become desperate! Do not give up! As this is a sign of progress. Giving up is not an option when your intention is sincere! Be strong to rise above your ordinary mind. Be disciplined. Be nice with yourself. Be nice with others. This path is filled with obstacles, so many obstacles. If it would be easy everyone would do it…But you cannot cheat or beg your way to wisdom. You have to be willing to put the hard work.
Our personality is an illusion. It’s a dream. It’s not who we are. It is being shaped every single day by our environment, childhood, daily habits. We are the prisoners of our daily habits, prisoners of our limited knowledge. Our perception. Things other people said and we repeat them thinking we are being cool and we know stuff. Prisoners of a mental programme we’ve been playing over and over again for years that we no longer make a difference between who we are and our mind. But there can be more to our life than that, if there is willingness for more.
Some people say, people cannot change. I used to be one of those people. I am not anymore. I believe change is the only option. I believe positive change can happen for everyone if there is a sincere wish. The reason why it does not happen for most people is because people are weak in their minds and want change to happen overnight. The moment an obstacle arises, they might give up. It is ok to be confused. It is ok to have doubts. It is completely okey. Nothing wrong with that. Just keep putting the work. And don’t choose the easy path. If your wish for change is honest, you will find your way among all that.
Two years ago I was this person interested in yoga postures. Now I am this person that still enjoys yoga postures, but I’ve also became this person interested in the deeper teachings of yoga. It was just a matter of time to match the deeper searching of my soul with the teachings of yoga. It was one and the same. But I had to become ready for it. I had to sweat blood and tears until eventually start seeing it. I am still sweating blood and tears every day on and off my mat. The struggle is more real than ever…And I hope better days will come. More clarity and more strength to let go of the unnecessary…
2017 has been a year of struggle. Some people ask why the hell do I wake up at 5:30 AM on most days. Why do I practice when I’m tired, sad or have muscle pain? They don’t understand and I get it. A simplified answer would be: “I choose to see who I am when things do not go the ideal way I want them to go. I choose to get to know my true self. I do it because I see the benefits of it. I feel stronger than I’ve ever been, not only physically, but mentally. I can see myself better every day more. I can see my mind patters and understand now why they say that our mind shapes our life. The future is in us if only we are brave enough to rise above the ordinary and start living the meaningful.”
But not everyone wants that. And that’s ok.
But I personally think there is more to our life than barely living like there is no tomorrow, trying to escape the reality.
It’s a hard path to get to know yourself and the way to wisdom is filled with pain. But I choose it anyway. Or better said I think it has chosen me. I know no other way. Life is a precious gift. Live it!
Keep practicing!
From my heart to yours,
Lavinia
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© Unfold Your Mat 2017
Göteborg, Sweden